At Home in the World - Jun 17 2023

 

At Home in the World

June 17 2023

I try to think back

to when I first was sure

I had it all figured out.

My late teens, I suppose,

the potent elixir

of a young man's arrogance

and youthful ideals,

when the truth

seems self-evident.

But age is chastening,

and in my 20s

the doubts crept in.

Wait til your 30s, I'd reassure myself,

whenever the ground under my feet

shifted uneasily.

So I set my sights on middle age

when I was sure

I'd finally come to know myself

and why I'm here;

a grown-up

like my parents' generation,

who grew up fast

and won the war.

Who knew

that all the generations who came before

felt just as at sea

as I did?

Which is when the moving target

receded again.

Another decade, I said

and I'd eventually find my place;

10 more years

of experience and maturity

to feel at home in the world.

And now, too old to change

I'm even more unsure.

More comfortable in my skin

and more self-aware,

yet still fearful

unsettled

perplexed.

Still searching for contentment

yet so much closer to the end.

It's been said

that youth is wasted on the young.

And how much better I'd have been

if I'd known then

what I know now.

But I'm no longer so sure.

Not when the callow young man

and this older version

are essentially the same.

That if it weren't for the furrowed skin and thinner hair

and those extra pounds I carry

I'm much the person

I was back then.

Except now

old enough to realize

that the quest never stops;

the flux is never frozen

the mysteries never solved.

That my tough cynical exterior

will forever hide

the vulnerable inner child.

That I'll never figure it out

no matter how hard I try.

And that no else has

either.