Friday, April 10, 2026

Not Worth the Trip = April 9 2026

 

Not Worth the Trip

April 9 2026


The far side of the moon isn’t dark,

there is no “dark side”.


Is this a misunderstanding

or could it be metaphor?

After all, might as well be dark

since it’s kept from our eyes.


But knowing my fellow man

I suspect hubris;

that the universe

is how it seems to us,

that if we can’t see it

no one can.

And perhaps, without first hand evidence

doesn’t even exist;

as if we were toddlers

who have yet to learn

object permanence. 


But now, we have photographic evidence

and it’s what you’d expect,

a bleak lunar landscape

that looks like pumice stone;

fine regolith

bombarded by meteors,

and a horizon line

that sharply divides light from dark.

Where a simple step across

would take your blood

from boiling hot to frozen solid.


Not worth the trip, I’d say.


But then, your eyes fix

on the crescent of earth peeking over its edge,

suspended

in the vacuum of space

like a blue and green jewel

on a black velvet bed.


How we never see ourselves, but should;

a living planet

smaller and more fragile

than we ever imagined from here,

a shared space 

where we breath the same air

and depend on its life support.


Where we are all astronauts 

on spaceship earth,

taking for granted

our only home.


This photo was taken from Artemis II as it looped around the far side of the moon; our first return to deep space in half a century (excluding unmanned probes), and far enough away to see the entire earth as a sphere.

Scientists always knew the far side wasn’t dark, but the misnomer persists. Inaccurate, but a decent metaphor for something we can’t see anyway. Or hubris:  if it’s dark to us, then it must be objectively dark, dark to anyone anywhere. 

In finally opening our eyes to the far side, we ended up opening our eyes to ourselves. 


A Simple 3-Letter Word - April 6 2026

 

A Simple 3-Letter Word

April 6 2026


I forgot all about joy.


In my search for happiness

was I cheating myself

by aiming too low?


But it’s impossible 

to engineer such ineffable moments,

a high

that brings to mind 

words like wonderecstatic, transcendence.


To be joyful.


When you’re outside of yourself

and your petty concerns,

in the moment

and fully immersed.

When you’re feeling at the same time

dwarfed by the world

while filled with an awe

that leaves you everywhere all at once.


It’s been so long

I start to wonder

if I ever even was.


It seems easy for a child

when everything’s new

and you aren’t afraid to lose yourself.

Their faces give it away;

they haven’t learned to hide

how they feel.


The very old 

who have their health and are wise enough 

seem to find joy as well.

It’s in the small things, they’d probably say;

too bad the old

are easy to ignore.


An author on parenthood

called it no fun, all joy

and maybe she was on to something.

Maybe it’s not in the moment.

Maybe it’s the wholeness, not the parts.

And maybe you don’t even know it at the time.


I think back hard

and I do remember joy.

As I’m sure you must:

first kiss

first love

the birth of a child.

Or was it the unexpected thank-you note,

that tiny hand in yours,

the tenacious early blooms

poking through an April snow?


That like happiness, if you make a plan

it never works.

That like happiness

the more determined you search

the more elusive it becomes.

And that like happiness

you don’t achieve joy, then lock it away

like the prize you spent your lifetime seeking;

it’s not a place

or steady state

that’s an end in itself.


When the question was asked “when did you last experience joy in your life” it came as a shock. Joy? Wow, that’s a big ask; not something I actually walk around expecting. Is it already there, but I’m just not receptive — too dour, too closed, too set in my ways? Is it something you can make happen, an act of will? Or am I past it, too late in life for joy?

Really, it’s a word that never comes up:  when was the last time I even said “joy”?  So I thought that I might as well say it in a poem. After all, it’s easier to write a loaded word than say it out loud.

The In-Between Time - April 5 2026

 

The In-Between Time 

April 5 2026


It’s the in-between time I fear.


When I can feel it slipping away

concentrate harder

and try to persuade myself

it’s just a momentary lapse.

Stubborn denial,

even though deep inside 

I know how it will end;

an uneven descent

into dementia

I’m powerless to stop.


When I can’t find the words

lose my place

or wander aimlessly

but brazen through it,

just waiting

for my compass to kick in

and I can laugh it off.


Until I can’t

and the fear takes over.


I can only hope

that when I finally lose myself

and am irretrievably gone

the fear and grieving will go as well.

That I will be happy

in my reduced state of humanity

not knowing what I’ve lost.

That lack of self-awareness

will be my saving grace.

Who cares

if I can’t feed or dress myself 

or recognize faces,

not even my own.


Of course there’s no way to know

what interior life persists

in those spectral men

in soiled underwear

slumped in chairs that face the wall,

the bewildered women

lying stiffly in bed,

clutching blankets

with cadaverous hands

wrapped in paper-thin flesh.


No way to know, but one can surely suspect. 

Especially when a spark of who they were

flashes briefly out

from that impassive face,

a familiar smile

twinkle of eye

or cock of the head.

A spark

that never catches fire. 


Is it one way glass

where only we can’t see in,

or opaque

with nothing going either way

but vague reflections

of a distant past?

 

My understanding is that dementia often unmasks one’s true character. (Similar to the way alcohol unmasks, resulting in congenial drunks as well as belligerent ones.) That this core self somehow remains after most everything else is lost. It could be happy, dour, impatient, angry, paranoid; outgoing or closed; taciturn or loud. And we also know that long term memory often remains intact. So there is something going on in there, some sort of interior life. One can only hope that one’s essential temperament is happy acceptance!

But before that, when there’s still insight into one’s decline, I don’t imagine anyone could be happy. So what I fear is not the end stage of dementia — even though that’s probably much more disturbing to those around the sufferer — it’s the beginning. 

This piece by Atlantic staff writer Ashley Parker inspired the poem. It’s beautifully written and bravely confessional. 

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/2026/04/death-dementia/686552/?gift=7KKUTeeJruMo0n11oQFrLvujAbcNgBhyM2ujgcbwhbc


Tidal Forces - April 4 2026

 

Tidal Forces

April 4 2026


You know the type.

They attract.

They’re charismatic.

They have this outsized gravity

that draws people in,

as if they were made of denser stuff

than the rest of us;

their rocky inner planets

to our gaseous outer ones.


Some, like comets, slingshot around them,

feeling the attraction

and fizzy in the heat

before turning tail and flying off

in the long eccentric orbit

of a fickle dilettante.


Some, like the moon, circle close,

keeping their distance

in a binary system

in an intimate pas de deux.

But still, exerting their own tidal force

however small.


And some fall

spiralling-in faster and faster; 

not the earth around its sun

but a black hole

there’s no escaping from.

Who knew

that a star could be so cold,

that its gravity

could tear you apart,

that beauty and charm

could turn so toxic?


That he was a psychopath 

all along.


Saturday, April 4, 2026

The U-Shaped Curve - April 3 2026

 

The U-Shaped Curve 

April 3 2026


I am well past the age of acquisition.


All the shiny things 

I hardly used.

That broke, burned-out, became outmoded.

That made me no happier.


The inanimate objects

they promised

would transform my life.

Or did I delude myself

that such a thing was possible?


Now, if anything, it’s the age of loss.

Lost time, health, promise.

The people who have gone,

either dearly departed 

or given up on me.

The wonky hip,

knees

not as limber I’d like,

and life

more and more restricted

as my circle cinches tighter.


How losses can accumulate

is an oddity of language,

as if less could get you more.

Which is like water into wine,

the miracle

of the loaves and fishes. 


But since I’m not religious 

why things have gotten better

is a mystery to me.

Why I’m less stressed, more settled,

less pressured

more introspective, 

less judgmental 

and more forgiving

than the self-righteous teen

impatient young man.


Perhaps less really is more,

keeping it simple

and stripping the fat.

Fewer wants and things,

fewer false beliefs,

fewer illusions 

about myself.


Even the beginning of wisdom,

however flawed

and incomplete. 


They say that — in general — happiness in life follows a U-shaped curve: bottoming out in middle age (sandwiched between dependent kids and needy parents; by and large disappointed with how life turned out; financially stretched; more aches, pains, and physical limitation), then steadily ascending into old age. When instead of acquiring things, you’re divesting, culling, and simplifying life. 

Of course, freedom from things is mostly a good kind of loss: you realize most of that stuff was simply dead weight and dust collectors. But even with all the less desirable losses, life somehow gets better. Go figure!


Muddling Through - April 1 2026

 

Muddling Through

April 1 2026


I’m not sure about the good life.


I see all the bad lives

that flourish,

the vices

that are blithely brushed aside

with boys-will-be-boys.


I read of philosophers

in esoteric debates,

who in private asides

scorn their colleagues’ notions

of living well.


I see good lives

I wish I could emulate

but know I’m not built that way,

if not by nurture

then nature,

or that I sabotage myself

by attachment to the status quo. 


All in all, though, it seems simple enough.

Things like loving, and being loved

and being worthy of it,

living with purpose 

and finding meaning in the end. 


Simple, but I struggle with each of them.

Have found comfort is easy,

contentment not so much.

And find myself envyious

of the lives of others

who seem to have figured it out.


But as hard as is the good life

is to truly know

what their lives are really like;

appearances are one thing,

but who knows what surprise

lurks behind closed doors.

The inscrutable other,

constructed from guesswork

and unconscious projection

of our own flaws and needs. 


So I muddle through,

age ungracefully,

wonder ruefully

how it will end.


Am amused

by those earnest philosophers

who over-think,

die of drink,

or end in obscurity,

their densely written treatises

out of print or burned.


Perhaps the trick

is to pick one thing

to make getting through it easier.


Acceptance seems good,

tempered with humility;

the good life,

muddling through

with the humble understanding 

I’m not the centre of the world.


The real key to the good life is to live it like a Lab:  always thrilled, up for anything, masters of living in the moment. And unstinting in uncomplicated love. I envy my girls:  no over-thinking; no need to be in control. They don't dwell in the past or fret about the future. Enthusiasts to the end. 

They also have no knowledge of death. Good or bad?  I'm still not sure!


The House at Number 48 - March 30 2026

 

The House at Number 48

March 30 2026



Future historians will be scratching their heads

about the rise of the Reich

and the Hitler youth

goose-stepping down Kurfürstendamm

in the torch-lit shadows 

of Kristallnacht. 

Because apparently

no one was a Nazi back then.


The war generation

who seemed positively offended

the question had even been asked;

of course they opposed the Nazis

even resisted,

and instead of stealing from their Jewish neighbours

insist that they hid them

like the good Christians they were.


And the following generations

who are genuinely ignorant 

that their forbears were complicit

or had simply looked away;

going about their business

like any good German

who follows the rules.


Yet these descendants still quietly live

in the houses that were stolen

and never returned

to the dispossessed Jews,

admire the paintings

that were the ill-gotten gains

of their Aryan overseers.


All perfectly legal, of course,

because such regimes

are scrupulously by-the-book,

as if ticking-off every box

absolves them of their crimes;

a bureaucratic army

of diligent scribes

documenting every detail

of the 1000 year Reich,

never imagining a future in which

they’d incriminate themselves. 


Fortunately, while individuals forget

the nation doesn’t.

There are monuments, memorials

and laws against;

an exemplar to the world

of owning up to history.

Collective guilt

as cover,

official remembrance

for the many injustices

never punished or made good.


Of course, the world goes on

as it rightly should

so why not forget?

Why not bury old hates

instead of disinterring skeletons

resurrecting bad blood?

Why give the laid-to-rest a second life

and let grievances fester

instead of letting them lie?


Because if truth is the first casualty of war

and its progeny are stillborn

then history gets rewritten,

revision distorts,

and impunity wins.


And because if history’s not to rhyme

let alone repeat

we must not only remember the past

but also acknowledge

our common humanity.

That we, too, would have owned slaves

condemned the gays

and murdered Jews,

slaughtered Tutsis

and rounded up the Kosovars. 

Or pick your own atrocity,

so many come to mind.


Because it’s too easy

to demonize the perpetrators;

they aren’t the devil’s spawn

or the progeny of aliens,

they are us.

And like us, they were products of their time,

immersed in the culture

as are fish in the water

in which they swim.

After all, accepted norms have changed

and the past was a different place.


And even now, enlightened as we think ourselves

human nature dictates

that the tidal force

of conformity and contagion

too easily swamps our better angels

and sweeps us out to sea;

blaming “the other”

and seduced by purity

 — purity

the great bugaboo

of true believers.


But even if we had gone along to get along

and kept our heads down

could we claim innocence?

Isn’t wilful blindness

just as complicit?

Bystanders

not denying, as the bad actors will

or pretending to have resisted,

but simply deflecting

as if we didn’t know;

shoulders shrugging and hands turned up.

Conveniently forgetting

so the judgement of posterity

will not fall on us.


When historians dissect the body politic

like forensic pathologists

searching for what went wrong

how will we defend ourselves?

Will the blood be scrubbed from the killing floor

the murder weapon disappear?

All the circumstantial evidence,

prepared for burial

in a mass grave

or unmarked plot.


https://www.bbc.com/audio/series/m002l4ys

Not the kind of poem I want to write. Because it sounds preachy and self-righteous. Because it’s a topic better suited to prose. Because there’s too much to say and it goes on too long. And most important, because it should be self-evident. 

I was certainly raised with an unambiguous knowledge of the Nazi atrocities and their loathsome ideology. But we live in an unfortunate age of gross historical revision: of forgetfulness, denialism, and vile prejudice; of anti-semitism and revisionist apology.  Amazingly, a generation is coming of age ignorant of this seminal event in human history. The educational system has failed, and social media has poisoned what’s left. 

So unfortunately, a poem like this is a necessary corrective. And as I listened to this podcast — which distills the history of Naziism into one small personal story — realized that while it was interesting enough to me, there are so many young people for whom this story would come as a revelation. I can just hear them saying “who knew?”!!

Are the people living in 48 guilty of wilful denial? Or are they genuinely unaware, protected from the truth by previous generations? The podcast makes the point that while Germany as a nation is an exemplar in acknowledging its historical guilt (btw, putting Japan to shame), the granularity of history is missing:  the individuals, who are still benefiting from their forbears’ complicity. To quote Faulkner: “the past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

So many possible titles I might have chosen: ones that might tempt a reader, or one that would highlight my most heartfelt point. But instead, I chose to pay homage to the story that inspired this. An intriguing title in itself, one that I imagine might arouse a potential reader’s curiosity. Which is one thing a good title should do. 


My Father's Son - March 29 2026

 

My Father’s Son

March 29 2026


The first time I entered his bedroom

after his death

felt like a violation,

intruding into a private space

as if eyes were taking me in.


There was a stillness there

that felt unnatural,

a staleness to the air

I could only attribute

to days of sitting undisturbed.

A sleepy museum

with few visitors

where documents moulder away

and displays collect dust

might smell much the same.

There was also a musky hint of aftershave,

as well as something ineffable

that triggered memory

the way a pheromone enters the brain 

beyond the awareness of smell.


His things were all there, 

a diorama

of valuables

mementos

and sentimental treasures,

of the everyday stuff

he was last to touch;

how a half-used tube of toothpaste

becomes somehow meaningful

left like that,

a still-life

frozen in time.

Did they resent my presence,

would it be irreverent

to clear the place out?

Yet something needed to be done

and it had fallen to me.


A row of empty suits

in sober greys and blues

hung meticulously

on chunky wooden hangars

in the cramped bedroom closet

behind sticky bi-fold doors;

likely too big for me

if I could bring myself to wear them.

But that would be presumptuous

I’d feel like an imposter.


Hardly surprising

this trove of formal wear.

He always wore a suit and tie,

dressing quietly

in the morning darkness,

then off to work

while the rest of us slept.

I doubt he owned a T-shirt

while sweats were unthinkable;

and to imagine a ball cap

on his balding head

seems absurd.


I guess the Sally Ann will get them

when I get around to clearing out.

He never approved of waste

and — my father's son — neither do I.

An out-of-date cut, but very well made;

the sort of timeless fashion

that always looks good.

Bespoke suits

made to last

that he couldn’t outlive. 


I actually only entered my parents’ bedroom once after my father’s death. My mother opened his closet full of suits and invited me to take whatever I wanted. I immediately declined:  it seemed irreverent, not my style, wouldn’t fit. The latter consideration was entirely practical. But you could take it as symbolic as well:  unable to fill his shoes, so to speak. =

(Btw, I was not the hard working responsible child of the poem. My older brother and sister-in-law took on the time consuming job of death cleaning. As I recall. Or perhaps my mother did with their help, and only after her move into care did they do everything.)