Libertarians Wear Beards - Jun 3 2023

 

Libertarians Wear Beards

June 3 2023

This beard is not a statement.

Because I'm no young radical

out the change the world.

And it's certainly not fashionable,

not like this.

It's certainly not an old man beard,

long as Mephistopheles

and white as snow;

nor adolescent,

patchy, pubic, pathetic.

Neither cutting-edge

nor exotic,

and certainly not

silver-foxish.

And if prospector crossed your mind

forget it;

this is not the old west,

and the Klondike long ago

ran dry.

A secret operative

donning a disguise?

Just give it tug

and you'll see that it's real.

Libertarians wear beards,

defenders of freedom

unshackling their follicles.

But why individualists

would conform in this one singular thing

I have no idea.

Once, every man wore a beard,

a hirsute face

the male prerogative.

Monocled and mutton-chopped

and lovingly coiffed,

a pocket watch

on its golden fob

in a waistcoat pocket.

And just to show off,

a prosperous belly

bulging out beneath.

But mine is none of these.

It's laziness, pure and simple.

Not for me a morning shave

styptic pencil,

no fussing with blades

or plug-in utensil.

And only when it itches

does it get a trim.

But kisses, not so much.

Too bristly, she objects

flinching a bit.

So I shave,

leaving pale skin

and a little fresh blood,

but not a trace of stubble.

And when I'm done

and squinting into the bathroom mirror,

an unfamiliar face

looks back.

I was reading a very scholarly piece in the New Yorker about libertarianism, and it begins with a reference to Grover Norquist, the guiding spirit behind the Tea Party movement. This quote made me instantly smile:

Norquist himself—an intense, gleeful, ideological figure with the requisite libertarian beard—had managed to get more than two hundred members of Congress to sign a pledge never to raise taxes, for any reason at all.

What immediately struck me was the irony, if not the hypocrisy: the seeming need for these confirmed individualists to signal their membership in the club — even if it is a most disputatious and prickly club!

So the poem takes on a decidedly different tone than the serious article that inspired it. Only the title remains!

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2023/06/05/the-individualists-radicals-reactionaries-and-the-struggle-for-the-soul-of-libertarianism-book-review-matt-zwolinski-john-tomasi