Family Man - May 5 2022

 

Family Man

May 4 2022

The complete silence he sought

behind the heavy door

of his book-lined study

was never complete enough.

Even in the sanctum sanctorum

of this hermetic room

sound found its way,

and when it didn't

he couldn't help but sit

with his ears cocked and brain alert

for the next inevitable intrusion.

So fatherhood

did not really suit him.

Not with the kids playing

phones ringing

the clatter in the kitchen.

Music was always too loud,

TV rarely permitted.

Was he seeking solace

in the pages of books?

The embalmed voices

of dead poets,

the dated offerings

of aging authors,

and the over-confident tomes

of the young academics

so intent on tenure

and a cushy professorship?

The abstract and rarefied

instead of life's messy dailiness.

Did he write to be heard

through all the noise and contention?

Or did he write

simply to hear himself,

clear his mind

unburden his heart?

If only he'd learned

to listen more.

Opened

the solid-core door

sat back in his chair

let the screen go black.

Heard his kids

out in the yard,

and joined them in play;

a game of tag

where he was “it”.

Instead of the brooding man,

who tended to second guess

and regretted too much.

Who lived in his head,

and felt at his best

alone.

Who, is it possible

loved the idea of family

even more than the actual one?

I'm unmarried and childless. I used to think I would have made a good father. I had regrets about missing out. But as over the years I've reflected more and more on this, I wonder how well-suited to family life I really would have been. My brothers are both terrific fathers. I fear I would have been more like the man in the poem.

I read this paragraph (below, in italics) in the Lives Lived piece in today's Globe (May 5 2022). I not only identified with Michael, I think I can read between the lines the tension and difficulty he created for his daughters, which this tribute so diplomatically glosses over . Anyway, this gave me the opening of complete silence -- something I know I've sought out all my life – and after that, I felt I was simply taking dictation.

The family sometimes followed Michael on his research trips around the globe, but his demanding academic schedule sometimes left little opportunity for him to be with his children. When he was working at home, he would often request complete silence and this could be a challenge. However, it did instil a sense of independence and adventure in his daughters, who actively pursued their own friendships and academic/artistic interests.