Going
On
March
19 2025
Above
the fireplace
there’s
a mantel
cut
from one thick slab
of
rough hewn wood.
On
it
among
the tchotchkes, and sentimental objects
sits
a plain ceramic urn.
And
in the urn are ashes,
a
loved one’s remains
waiting
to be spread.
If
I said she was a dog
would
your eyebrows be raised?
Would
you think of this love
as
somehow lesser?
Or
would you get it;
that
the attachment
between
man and dog
is
as powerful as any?
She
was a good dog
who
led a dog’s life
and
was long lived.
I’m
sad
it
was so hard at the end;
the
inexorable decline
the
last several months.
And
sadder still
that
when I picture her
she’s
old and arthritic;
that
my memory
of
the full-of-fun pup
and
the dog in her prime
has
over time faded.
They
say all dogs go to heaven,
and
even though I don’t believe in an afterlife
the
thought consoles me;
because
if Pascal wagered right
perhaps
she’s there.
Now,
to that final resting place.
The
lake, I think
where
she was most at home.
I’m
not sentimental.
I
know this is simply material,
raked
from the oven
when
the fire had cooled.
But
ritual serves;
not
closure
but
an end of sorts.
Canoeing
to the middle of the lake
and
tipping out the urn
as
the boat slowly drifts.
The
other dogs will swim behind,
a
reminder
that
as life surely ends
life
also goes on.
There
is no urn. I was offered the option of ashes, but declined. Perhaps,
in retrospect, I should have accepted.
I
imagine it would have gone something like this.
I
know I’ve already written at least 2 poems about Skookum’s end,
which is enough. But reading this (see below) brought me back.
Losing
a pet cuts deep
BUT
FRIENDS CAN HELP THROUGH LONG GRIEVING PROCESS
National
Post
18
Mar 2025
John
Leicester
MICHEL
EULER / THE ASSOCIATED PR
Even
months later, the pain of losing a pet can still hit without warning.
The
trigger might be noticing — again, for the umpteenth time — how
empty the house feels since your cat died, without the pitter-patter
of padded paws. Or stumbling across the leash of the dog you lost and
remembering how it used to set off tail-wagging glee.
Grieving
owners can feel doubly lonesome if the humans in their lives don’t
quite know how to help, perhaps because they’ve not had pets
themselves or feel awkward around grief.
How
can owners and their friends cope better with pet bereavement?
Experts in pet loss offer these ideas:
RECOGNIZE
THAT FEELING AWFUL IS NORMAL
For
some grieving owners, pet loss can feel worse than a human death.
That doesn’t make them monsters. Instead, it reflects the potential
depths of human-animal bonds.
For
some people, a pet is their most important relationship, “the being
that they see every single day, that maybe sleeps on their bed, that
they cuddle with on the couch,” says E.B. Bartels, author of Good
Grief: On Loving Pets, Here and Hereafter.
“There
are people who feel more comfortable with animals than with people,”
she adds. “So losing those relationships can be really, really
difficult.”
OFFER
SYMPATHETIC EAR
People
who haven’t experienced pet love may struggle to understand what
it’s like to lose it. They may think they are being helpful by
saying, “It was just an animal,” or “They were lucky to have
such a loving owner.” But pat phrases, no matter how well-meaning,
can make grieving owners clam up and feel alone.
“You
feel like you can’t talk about it because people aren’t really
empathizing,” says Annalisa de Carteret, who manages a telephone
helpline and other pet-loss support services for Blue Cross, a U.K.
animal welfare charity.
“Just
allow that person to talk about how they’re feeling, and you don’t
need to comment,” she says.
Avoid
clichés like, “‘Oh, you can get another pet’ or ‘He had a
good life, he was a good age,’” she says. For the owner, “that
doesn’t make you feel any better, because you knew all of those
things. You just feel sad and just want someone to listen and to
understand.”
BONDS
CAN RUN DEEP WITH ANY KIND OF ANIMAL
Don’t
assume that an owner’s grief is commensurate with the size or type
of animal they lost, or the length of time they had them. The death
of a pet lizard, for example, can be as painful for some people as
losing the cutest of fur balls for others.
“My
friend’s dad has a koi pond and he loves these koi. And he was so
upset when a raccoon got in and killed all his koi one summer,”
Bartels says. “Some people would be like, ‘Oh, they’re just
fish.’ But he loved these fish, you know?”
She
suggests that friends can offer practical help: A grieving owner who
no longer has a four-legged reason to leave the house might
appreciate the offer of a walk with a two-legged companion.
“People
can really feel they lose their community,” Bartels says. “In the
morning you get up, you bring your dog to the dog park and you get to
know the group of people who are there every morning really well. And
that’s your social community. And so then if you lose your reason
for going ... you’ve lost a lot more than just a dog.”
GUILT
OFTEN COMPOUNDS PET LOSS
Up
to 30,000 people contact Blue Cross each year for pet-loss support.
Many aren’t simply sad but also are fearful that they may somehow
have been responsible for their animal’s death or disappearance, de
Carteret says.
“Guilt
is a really big part of pet loss,” she says.
“They
maybe think, ‘Oh, if I’d done something differently, maybe they’d
have stayed alive a little bit longer,’ or if they were stolen: ‘If
I didn’t put them in the garden.’ Or, ‘What could I have done
differently to change the inevitable?’”
For
bereaved owners who feel more upset about the loss of a pet than
about a family member, that can trigger more guilt, de Carteret adds.
“It’s
really normal,” she says. But “it feels wrong to say, doesn’t
it? And people don’t want to share that.”
CAN
A NEW PET HELP?
Possibly.
But it’s not a magic bullet. Each animal has its own personality
and a new one won’t necessarily fill the void left by another.
And
if your previous pet was full-grown, you may no longer have the
patience for kittens’ litters or puppy-training again.
Bottom
line: Grieving can’t be truncated. The sadness and memories can be
lasting.
Bartels
lost her dog, Seymour, last June. “I’m sure I’ll have a hard
time again in June when it’s the year anniversary of when we put
him down,” she says.
De
Carteret keeps her dog’s ashes by her fireplace, which was his
favourite place to sit.
“Some
people will think that’s weird,” she says. “But, you know,
that’s how I deal with it ... You have to find the right way for
you.
