Going Sideways

June 9 2011

Why not ascend, vault, jump

get lifted up?

But no, we fall in love.

Like a patch of ice

thinly covered by snow.

Like a broken step

heading into a dark dank basement.

Like being shoved

on a double dare

over the edge.

Or at least, going sideways.

A lateral move,

like secretary

to executive assistant.

Not a promotion, exactly,

but the benefits are better

and it sounds official.

Or maybe metaphysical.

Because it takes belief   —

the she is the one

out of a billion potential others.

That she won’t give up

as easily

as your last great love.

That destiny

has conferred its approval.

And disbelief, as well.

That you’ve not just been drugged

by brain chemicals, 

the addictive rush

of infatuation.

Because you know enough

to wonder  —

how much is oxytocin

and how much moral agency?

I am a skeptic

by nature,

which may be why I haven’t fallen

so far.

Not an agnostic

who reprimands God

when He fails to come,

but a true non-believer;

whose belief in the rigor of thought

has left me deprived

of consolation

and comfort.

So I find myself stuck,

not moving up, or down

or sideways.

Although I have crept close to the edge

peered over skeptically,

felt the trickle of sweat, prickly neck
wobbly knees,

and quickly leapt

back to safe flat ground.

Which is exactly where old married couples

are found.

Except their intimate patch

of safety

is so far up the mountain,

a man like me

can hardly even imagine.

People like me, who are congenitally incapable of belief, may have as much trouble with love (romantic love, that is) as we have with God. Love is no less a matter of belief.  Because they each require a leap of faith, a leap that involves surrender, trust, submission – a leap that’s beyond me. Or maybe this is just my  problem:  most confirmed atheists seem to make out just fine.

So placing the highest value on intellectual rigor is probably not the best plan. Although it does explain why religion – and  the superstition that seems to inevitably accompany it – escapes me. Unfortunately, it also means that the easy consolation of belief also escapes me.

I was reluctant, setting out on this poem. First, because there are some complicated philosophical ideas here that probably lend themselves more to essay than poetry. (As in the way that throwaway line “how much moral agency?”, which I’m sure I’d be delighted to expand into a book length essay on the conceit of free will vs. biologic determinism in the context of evolutionary biology. You see,  it can be hard work restraining myself! But that’s the challenge or poetry, and what I like:  the discipline to say what I say, and let the reader do the rest. …Or not.) And second, because I’m not usually comfortable with something as personal/confessional as this.

So I’m quite pleased with the result.  I think the poem reads easily:  it’s fun to recite and hear; the rhyme and rhythm work;  and it comes across with the light conversational quality I always try to achieve. It has it’s amusing moments; but I think the voice still manages to be consistent. And although the complexity of some of the ideas has been minimized, I don’t feel I’ve sacrificed anything I wanted to say.

Other titles I considered were “Love, and Gravity”; “A Cartography of Love” (or “Geography …”); and “An Atheist in Love”. But I was reluctant to use the word “love” in the title at all, because I think the misdirection in the first two lines (what’s this about? …where could it possible be going?) would be lost. I know it’s just a couple of lines; but isn’t it the first few lines that either grab or lose a reader? Anyway, “Going Sideways” was a nice find. It’s cribbed from the poem, of course. And it anticipates the central device of direction and movement.  But I also like the metaphorical meaning:  how the narrator – especially in the last two stanzas – appears to be stalled, stranded; and which, in turn, reflects the way I find myself feeling more and more.  (But then, that’s a whole other poem I haven’t yet written – and most probably never will!)