Derailed - Sept 26 2021

 

Derailed

Sept 26 2021

To feel lonely when you're alone

is human nature.

But how oppressive it must be

to feel that way

trapped in a marriage.

She said that even during the wedding

she knew she'd made a mistake,

but the runaway train

of hope and denial

and social expectation

was too fast to stop,

careering down the tracks

heading for a curve

only she could see.

As for me, I'm used to being alone.

Despite my strength, too fearful

to surrender

take the leap of faith

soften the edges of personal space,

complacent

with the reassuring speed of inertia.

Of course, she soon escaped

from the forced intimacy

of an unfortunate match.

From performing normalcy.

From a man

who could never understand her.

From the loneliness

of being so close

and yet so far.

As for us

our paths briefly intersected

then were redirected down diverging tracks,

no need

for formal invitations

halfhearted vows.

And for all I know

she is older now

and happy by herself.

But it was fun, while it lasted

pausing as we passed,

at a level crossing

at headlong speed

before we the wheels started slipping

and we drifted apart.

My first serious girlfriend as a young adult confessed this to me. I had always idealized marriage. And I couldn't imagine acting in such a self-sabotaging way. But since then, I have learned the power of denial, false hope, and societal expectations. And, I admit, felt a little miffed at the time: that she had this complicated past life I had no idea about. What other secrets could there be?

I should mention that the inspiration for this poem came from a new HBO series called Scenes From a Marriage. I haven't watched (yet), but my understanding is that it's about just this: the particular and exquisite loneliness you can feel in a bad marriage. And if that's not what it's about, it doesn't matter. The poem stands on its own.

I wonder if couples sometimes become so preoccupied with the wedding that they neglect the marriage. The ceremony is a singular rite of passage. But it's just one day, and a life together is not only a lot more complicated, it needs to be worked on every day that follows.