Left Unsaid

April 28 2020

On the dating website

there are the usual questions

about height, hobbies, kids,

where you work and live.

Oddly, they also ask about ambition;

from the not very

to the highly driven.

But left unsaid

is ambitious for what?

The more expected stuff

like career, status, wealth?

Or perhaps, something less measurable,

like ambition to become

a better parent, brother, son?

To be a good friend

truly learn how to love?

Or more expansive yet,

ambitious for acceptance

understanding

what makes a happy life.

Happiness,

which all at once

sounds both facile and profound,

from simple-minded pleasure

to a life's work.

You can see how question leads to question,

how poorly defined terms

give room for thought  —

happiness

another word

that can mean whatever you want.

Is is simple contentment

self-pleasure

hedonistic excess?

Is it virtue, as Aristotle said,

and if so

then what is meant by virtuous?

Or is it something more transcendent,

like finding meaning in life

a seeking out of purpose?

I wrote not at all

because I think what they meant

were the conventional measures of success.

None of which I much care for.

And hardly expect,

an unread poet

who is resigned to remaining unknown

and shares his work for free.

Who dislikes

poorly defined terms

and ambiguous words

in anything but art.

Who is uncomfortable

with anonymous sites

strangers met online.

Who finds dating tiresome

and would mostly rather not,

who wonders just who's out there

and if they share his doubts.

About the pursuit of happiness.

About the odds of finding a match.

Ambitious for what, I can't help but ask

and so far no one's answered.

This is a standard question you need to answer to register on the popular dating site Plenty of Fish: are you ambitious, yes or no. I have no idea what this means. Their intent could be anything from profound to superficial. All I know is that the answer “very” immediately makes me suspicious. And that I'm impressed by the honesty and good sense of those who admit to being “un~”: honesty, because the admission comes freighted with a connotation of sloth, aimlessness, and a lack of fortitude, but they're still self-aware and open enough to say it; and good sense, because a vague answer is all that is merited by such an undefined term.

If you can imagine a more expansive interpretation of ambition – not the attainment of wealth and status and career advancement, as the word would be more conventionally understood, but rather ambition for the softer and more spiritual things like friendship and self-acceptance and happiness – then the same question on Plenty of Fish becomes a more revealing and insightful one. Even profound.

Although I suppose it takes a poetic sensibility – that acute sensitivity to the nuance of language that is both the curse and the gift of poets – to go there. I suspect most people would narrow their eyes and tilt their head in confusion if asked to question what they meant when they checked whatever box beside “ambition”. After all, what else could it mean?

A good question, nevertheless. And a good way to start a conversation – even on a dating site. One that certainly beats the usual lazy ice-breaker of a “Hey” or a “Hi”.