Terminal Velocity

Jan 8 2018

The urge to jump.

The fear, peering over the edge

that my body will act without me.

An irrational compulsion, I know.

Yet I take another step back

or tighten my grip,

the crawling sensation

of my clammy palms

against the metal bar.

The compact car

halfway across

the narrow wind-whipped bridge,

wildly rocking

as if about to lift-off.

The apocryphal man

impelled from the ledge

into the subway pit,

power pulsing

in its dingy depths.

That vertiginous look

over the edge.

The dread

of the momentary lapse, subversive thought.

Minor intent,

and the fatal consequence

it irrevocably starts,

as out of proportion

as chaos theory.

Yet I'm not sure the end

would be so painful;

the abruptness of death,

the clever brain, protecting itself

in the mind's terminal blink.

So mostly, it's the gut-wrenching plunge,

so final

so full of banal regret.

Too quick to achieve

the steady state of constant speed;
free-fall,
when the world goes still
and it feels like time
is holding its breath.

I've read how many suicides

would have wished for a second chance

half-way down.

We know this from the survivors

and think about the rest,

the fateful step

that was one too many.

But still, the ancestral fear

of snakes

                   ... height

                                      ... death

exacts its strange fascination.

How we are drawn, and repelled.

The presumption

of free will,

the mad compulsion to jump.

The crowd at my back

on the subway platform

as bodies press toward the track.

And here

on the skyscraper balcony,

a waist-high balustrade

brittle with rust.

Where I stand alone;

my fugue-like body

automaton legs.

Someone read  this poem, and came away with the impression it was about suicidal ideation. Which it isn't at all. Rather, it's about a common phenomenon called "the urge to jump from high places". I thought this would be immediately and universally recognized, and that the poem would not only make sense, but reassure readers --  as they read along and identified with the feeling -- that  they were far from alone in experiencing this fascinating and paradoxical urge.

The inspiration for Terminal Velocity was this piece, which appeared in Nautilus, a science/culture magazine (which appears both on-line and in print). I've recently begun to read Nautilus, and highly recommend it.

http://nautil.us/issue/46/balance/why-you-feel-the-urge-to-jump