The Art of Listening
Dec 22 2013


I do not listen well.

It's hard to say this about oneself,
because who doesn't think
he listens well?
Just as we all think
we are above average
good drivers
misunderstood.

We all think we heard;
because the words were clear,
and we patiently waited
taking turn.

My dog pays attention,
ears cocked, eyes locked onto mine
as I go on
making sound,
brightening
at "eat" and "walk".
Just as something you said
can send me racing off, missing the rest,
while I fetch, dig, chase
circle madly after my tail.

In the art of listening
you must be fully present,
as if she
were the only person in the room
and there was all the time in the world.
Which works well for dogs
who live in the here-and-now.
But I am past and future tense;
ruminating, regretting,
or thinking of ways to impress
with my wit, and grace.
As if your talk
were a convenient pause
for me to order my thoughts.

So when I heard you say
you needed to take
some time alone,
it came out of nowhere;
like a familiar word
emerging from noise.
And only then did you become my sun;
at the very centre,
blinding me
to everything else.

Which is the first lesson
in the art of listening
I wish I had learned.
To be utterly rapt.
Locked in, like gravity.
The moon to your planet
so nothing else exists.

Successful politicians like Bill Clinton are masters of the art of listening: You're the only person in the room when he locks eyes and grabs your hand and exchanges the usual pleasantries. You're certain he heard.

I get hung up on a word, or my own thoughts and incessant mental chatter. Or get anxious, self-conscious, bored. And end up tuning out. Listening can't be passive: it involves work, concentration, practice.

It's hard to admit you're not a good listener. So I think the first line reads like someone standing up at Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time and choking out: "Hi, my name is so-and-so, and I'm an alcoholic." And when I hear the line " ...Just as we all think/ we are above average ..." I immediately call back to Garrison Keillor's delightful refrain about his fictional Lake Woebegon, where "all the women are strong, all the men good-looking, and all the children, above average".

Anyway, when I decided to write something about the art of listening, there had to be something important to hear. Romantic disappointment was the obvious way to go. So while this isn't at all autobiography, it should be universal enough to work for everyone.