Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Lighting-Up
Dec 15 2007


She smokes like a pro,
slipping the smooth white cylinder from its pack,
flicking the lighter the way a girl tosses back her hair
— casually, automatic.

There is the first long luxurious draw,
breathing-in the smoke so it fills her
mainlined into her soul.
Then releasing it, eyes almost closed:
twin trails, pencilling out of her nose,
her lips exhausting smoke,
her body deflating
as all the air goes out of it.

The first inhalation is bliss,
and I think of a glassy-eyed chinaman
lounging in a gloomy den,
sucking-up the bitter scent of opium.
Or a junkie, all jumped-up,
slumping into sweet oblivion
with his next hit.

She smokes the rest almost impatient,
as if the taste was thin
and the jolt, imperceptible,
tapping-away the ash absent-mindedly.
Because it’s the waiting that makes it so good:
her craving
like unrequited love;
then hot anonymous sex
lighting-up.

4 comments:

rob said...

I find the word 'automatic' jarring. I would be happier with an adverb and I don't like automatically either. I thought maybe reflexively would work. What do you think? I don't mind if you don't post this comment. I just wanted to convey my thoughts to you. Rob

briangreen said...

Thanks for your interest, rob. And thanks, as well, for your attentive reading. I also struggled with this choice . Allow me to explain.

In general, I dislike adverbs; and in particular, I have an inexplicable aversion to words that end in "ly": maybe it's the sound, or maybe it's the way an adverb almost patronizes the reader by pointing out the obvious, leading him by the nose.

My intention in poetry is to write less and less (until ultimately, everything is reduced to Haiku!) Because I think it's far more gratifying when the author allows the reader to make the discoveries and connections, to fill in the spaces in his own imagination. Too many modifiers just clutter things up. (I go a bit easier on adjectives; but two in a row are still anathema!)

I think you're right about "reflexively". It was my first choice, as well. But for whatever reason, I didn't like the sound of it; and with me, sound often triumphs over meaning!

Brian

briangreen said...

Oh yeah, and it also not only puts two adverbs in a row, but two "ly" adverbs. Say it out loud with "reflexively" instead of "automatic" and you'll see what I mean.
Brian

rob said...

I agree with your analysis. In the end, I too go with sound. I tend to write minimalist poetry and, in that sense, can understand your wishes to move in that direction. Four line poems are my favourite. The poem on my blog is typical of what I like to write.