Saturday, April 4, 2026

The U-Shaped Curve - April 3 2026

 

The U-Shaped Curve 

April 3 2026


I am well past the age of acquisition.


All the shiny things 

I hardly used.

That broke, burned-out, became outmoded.

That made me no happier.


The inanimate objects

they promised

would transform my life.

Or did I delude myself

that such a thing was possible?


Now, if anything, it’s the age of loss.

Lost time, health, promise.

The people who have gone,

either dearly departed 

or given up on me.

The wonky hip,

knees

not as limber I’d like,

and life

more and more restricted

as my circle cinches tighter.


How losses can accumulate

is an oddity of language,

as if less could get you more.

Which is like water into wine,

the miracle

of the loaves and fishes. 


But since I’m not religious 

why things have gotten better

is a mystery to me.

Why I’m less stressed, more settled,

less pressured

more introspective, 

less judgmental 

and more forgiving

than the self-righteous teen

impatient young man.


Perhaps less really is more,

keeping it simple

and stripping the fat.

Fewer wants and things,

fewer false beliefs,

fewer illusions 

about myself.


Even the beginning of wisdom,

however flawed

and incomplete. 


They say that — in general — happiness in life follows a U-shaped curve: bottoming out in middle age (sandwiched between dependent kids and needy parents; by and large disappointed with how life turned out; financially stretched; more aches, pains, and physical limitation), then steadily ascending into old age. When instead of acquiring things, you’re divesting, culling, and simplifying life. 

Of course, freedom from things is mostly a good kind of loss: you realize most of that stuff was simply dead weight and dust collectors. But even with all the less desirable losses, life somehow gets better. Go figure!


Muddling Through - April 1 2026

 

Muddling Through

April 1 2026


I’m not sure about the good life.


I see all the bad lives

that flourish,

the vices

that are blithely brushed aside

with boys-will-be-boys.


I read of philosophers

in esoteric debates,

who in private asides

scorn their colleagues’ notions

of living well.


I see good lives

I wish I could emulate

but know I’m not built that way,

if not by nurture

then nature,

or that I sabotage myself

by attachment to the status quo. 


All in all, though, it seems simple enough.

Things like loving, and being loved

and being worthy of it,

living with purpose 

and finding meaning in the end. 


Simple, but I struggle with each of them.

Have found comfort is easy,

contentment not so much.

And find myself envyious

of the lives of others

who seem to have figured it out.


But as hard as is the good life

is to truly know

what their lives are really like;

appearances are one thing,

but who knows what surprise

lurks behind closed doors.

The inscrutable other,

constructed from guesswork

and unconscious projection

of our own flaws and needs. 


So I muddle through,

age ungracefully,

wonder ruefully

how it will end.


Am amused

by those earnest philosophers

who over-think,

die of drink,

or end in obscurity,

their densely written treatises

out of print or burned.


Perhaps the trick

is to pick one thing

to make getting through it easier.


Acceptance seems good,

tempered with humility;

the good life,

muddling through

with the humble understanding 

I’m not the centre of the world.


The real key to the good life is to live it like a Lab:  always thrilled, up for anything, masters of living in the moment. And unstinting in uncomplicated love. I envy my girls:  no over-thinking; no need to be in control. They don't dwell in the past or fret about the future. Enthusiasts to the end. 

They also have no knowledge of death. Good or bad?  I'm still not sure!


The House at Number 48 - March 30 2026

 

The House at Number 48

March 30 2026



Future historians will be scratching their heads

about the rise of the Reich

and the Hitler youth

goose-stepping down Kurfürstendamm

in the torch-lit shadows 

of Kristallnacht. 

Because apparently

no one was a Nazi back then.


The war generation

who seemed positively offended

the question had even been asked;

of course they opposed the Nazis

even resisted,

and instead of stealing from their Jewish neighbours

insist that they hid them

like the good Christians they were.


And the following generations

who are genuinely ignorant 

that their forbears were complicit

or had simply looked away;

going about their business

like any good German

who follows the rules.


Yet these descendants still quietly live

in the houses that were stolen

and never returned

to the dispossessed Jews,

admire the paintings

that were the ill-gotten gains

of their Aryan overseers.


All perfectly legal, of course,

because such regimes

are scrupulously by-the-book,

as if ticking-off every box

absolves them of their crimes;

a bureaucratic army

of diligent scribes

documenting every detail

of the 1000 year Reich,

never imagining a future in which

they’d incriminate themselves. 


Fortunately, while individuals forget

the nation doesn’t.

There are monuments, memorials

and laws against;

an exemplar to the world

of owning up to history.

Collective guilt

as cover,

official remembrance

for the many injustices

never punished or made good.


Of course, the world goes on

as it rightly should

so why not forget?

Why not bury old hates

instead of disinterring skeletons

resurrecting bad blood?

Why give the laid-to-rest a second life

and let grievances fester

instead of letting them lie?


Because if truth is the first casualty of war

and its progeny are stillborn

then history gets rewritten,

revision distorts,

and impunity wins.


And because if history’s not to rhyme

let alone repeat

we must not only remember the past

but also acknowledge

our common humanity.

That we, too, would have owned slaves

condemned the gays

and murdered Jews,

slaughtered Tutsis

and rounded up the Kosovars. 

Or pick your own atrocity,

so many come to mind.


Because it’s too easy

to demonize the perpetrators;

they aren’t the devil’s spawn

or the progeny of aliens,

they are us.

And like us, they were products of their time,

immersed in the culture

as are fish in the water

in which they swim.

After all, accepted norms have changed

and the past was a different place.


And even now, enlightened as we think ourselves

human nature dictates

that the tidal force

of conformity and contagion

too easily swamps our better angels

and sweeps us out to sea;

blaming “the other”

and seduced by purity

 — purity

the great bugaboo

of true believers.


But even if we had gone along to get along

and kept our heads down

could we claim innocence?

Isn’t wilful blindness

just as complicit?

Bystanders

not denying, as the bad actors will

or pretending to have resisted,

but simply deflecting

as if we didn’t know;

shoulders shrugging and hands turned up.

Conveniently forgetting

so the judgement of posterity

will not fall on us.


When historians dissect the body politic

like forensic pathologists

searching for what went wrong

how will we defend ourselves?

Will the blood be scrubbed from the killing floor

the murder weapon disappear?

All the circumstantial evidence,

prepared for burial

in a mass grave

or unmarked plot.


https://www.bbc.com/audio/series/m002l4ys

Not the kind of poem I want to write. Because it sounds preachy and self-righteous. Because it’s a topic better suited to prose. Because there’s too much to say and it goes on too long. And most important, because it should be self-evident. 

I was certainly raised with an unambiguous knowledge of the Nazi atrocities and their loathsome ideology. But we live in an unfortunate age of gross historical revision: of forgetfulness, denialism, and vile prejudice; of anti-semitism and revisionist apology.  Amazingly, a generation is coming of age ignorant of this seminal event in human history. The educational system has failed, and social media has poisoned what’s left. 

So unfortunately, a poem like this is a necessary corrective. And as I listened to this podcast — which distills the history of Naziism into one small personal story — realized that while it was interesting enough to me, there are so many young people for whom this story would come as a revelation. I can just hear them saying “who knew?”!!

Are the people living in 48 guilty of wilful denial? Or are they genuinely unaware, protected from the truth by previous generations? The podcast makes the point that while Germany as a nation is an exemplar in acknowledging its historical guilt (btw, putting Japan to shame), the granularity of history is missing:  the individuals, who are still benefiting from their forbears’ complicity. To quote Faulkner: “the past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

So many possible titles I might have chosen: ones that might tempt a reader, or one that would highlight my most heartfelt point. But instead, I chose to pay homage to the story that inspired this. An intriguing title in itself, one that I imagine might arouse a potential reader’s curiosity. Which is one thing a good title should do. 


My Father's Son - March 29 2026

 

My Father’s Son

March 29 2026


The first time I entered his bedroom

after his death

felt like a violation,

intruding into a private space

as if eyes were taking me in.


There was a stillness there

that felt unnatural,

a staleness to the air

I could only attribute

to days of sitting undisturbed.

A sleepy museum

with few visitors

where documents moulder away

and displays collect dust

might smell much the same.

There was also a musky hint of aftershave,

as well as something ineffable

that triggered memory

the way a pheromone enters the brain 

beyond the awareness of smell.


His things were all there, 

a diorama

of valuables

mementos

and sentimental treasures,

of the everyday stuff

he was last to touch;

how a half-used tube of toothpaste

becomes somehow meaningful

left like that,

a still-life

frozen in time.

Did they resent my presence,

would it be irreverent

to clear the place out?

Yet something needed to be done

and it had fallen to me.


A row of empty suits

in sober greys and blues

hung meticulously

on chunky wooden hangars

in the cramped bedroom closet

behind sticky bi-fold doors;

likely too big for me

if I could bring myself to wear them.

But that would be presumptuous

I’d feel like an imposter.


Hardly surprising

this trove of formal wear.

He always wore a suit and tie,

dressing quietly

in the morning darkness,

then off to work

while the rest of us slept.

I doubt he owned a T-shirt

while sweats were unthinkable;

and to imagine a ball cap

on his balding head

seems absurd.


I guess the Sally Ann will get them

when I get around to clearing out.

He never approved of waste

and — my father's son — neither do I.

An out-of-date cut, but very well made;

the sort of timeless fashion

that always looks good.

Bespoke suits

made to last

that he couldn’t outlive. 


I actually only entered my parents’ bedroom once after my father’s death. My mother opened his closet full of suits and invited me to take whatever I wanted. I immediately declined:  it seemed irreverent, not my style, wouldn’t fit. The latter consideration was entirely practical. But you could take it as symbolic as well:  unable to fill his shoes, so to speak. =

(Btw, I was not the hard working responsible child of the poem. My older brother and sister-in-law took on the time consuming job of death cleaning. As I recall. Or perhaps my mother did with their help, and only after her move into care did they do everything.)


Ending Up Where I Began - March 28 2026

 

Ending Up Where I Began

March 28 2026


At the indoor pool

on a dull winter day

the bright overhead light

seems almost defiant,

unnatural

in its cool whiteness,

but an act of resistance 

against the dark.


The warm humid air

feels indulgent 

even exotic,

like a fancy spa

or private island

near Bora Bora or the Seychelles.

But also tenuous,

a tropical bubble

protected from the freezing cold

by the building’s thin skin

of cinderblock and siding. 


The human bodies

splashing in the shallow end

and schmoozing on the deck

on their precious day off

are scantily dressed

in droopy bathing suits

and plastic flip-flops.

They’re a cross section

of height and shape;

mostly pasty and soft,

yet, before neighbours and friends

refreshingly unselfconscious.

The human race, in all its stunning diversity;

8 billion

yet no two of us the same.


I have the lanes to myself

at least for now,

swimming up and down, counting laps.

Underwater, I feel alone

despite the crowding and cacophony;

no sound except my breathing,

and no one around

to dispel the illusion

of blissful solitude.


A respite from winter

on a Saturday afternoon

in the municipal pool,

swimming badly

but trying hard.

And even though it might seem foolish

to be going nowhere fast

and end up where I began,

I leave rejuvenated;

feeling a little more virtuous

than when I arrived.


The rock and roll soundtrack

playing too loud,

the feral kids

screaming with delight,

and the fussy baby

bawling in her mother’s arms;

all recede, beneath the water

on my South Sea island

a few blocks from home.


Losing Touch - March 26 2026

 

Losing Touch

March 26 2026


I have lost touch.


Words are no substitute,

and raising my voice

or writing even more

won’t bring me any closer

to finding it

or being found.


And while vision

even at a distance

seems as intimate as being there,

image

is as insubstantial as light

you can simply shut your eyes against,

and the flat screen

is as impervious

as cold hard glass.


If losing smell

deprives you of taste,

and the loss of sight

turns the world to guesswork;

if the hard of hearing

shrink into themselves

and regress,

then why touch

when they could have chosen any sense

as metaphor?


Is it because touch came first?

Because even a casual hug

opens you up,

your skin

as much barrier as portal?

Because it’s the language of love;

uninflected by words,

undistorted by the brain’s

parsing and censoring?


To have fallen out of touch

is to lose your grip;

like when the rope slips from your grasp

and you flail at the air

then drop out of sight.

Is to hunger for a hand to hold

and skin to keep you warm.

Is to begin to feel unreal

even to yourself,

closeted

and even disembodied

if absent long enough.


But when you are in touch

nothing stands between

you and yours.

And it comes so naturally

that even out of practice

hands will find their way

and bodies meld.


Even the stranger

on a crowded bus

you briefly brushed against

might awaken something in you.

It was only dormant, after all;

disuse may have dulled touch,

but only in death 

is it truly lost.


I typically male fashion, I’m very bad at keeping in touch. Married men have wives to lean on. My mother  used to be the glue that held extended family together. But I’m a bachelor, and she’s gone. 

I’m also on the spectrum, and attribute to that my failure in sustaining relationships. Or maybe, with my lifelong tendency to be a loner, I should own it as a personal failing. (Which, in turn, raises the question of just how much free will and moral agency we have in these things.) But either way, when I’ve been by myself long enough, I can see the truth in the idea that we only exist in the eyes of others:  I begin to feel a sense of unreality about myself, and it can only be relieved by being somehow acknowledged; by speaking up, by being seen or heard or even read.

But touch is much more powerful than either sight or hearing. The expressions “losing touch” and “falling out of touch” attest to this power:  there is no mystery as to why the physical sense of touch is the preferred metaphor for attachment, relationship, and belonging.

The poem goes back and forth between the literal and metaphorical meanings of touch. Although I suppose metaphor wasn’t needed before electronic media, before mail or messengers, and before our small nomadic tribes settled into cities:  you kept in touch with actual touch; and you literally reached out to regain touch. 


Sundowning - March 24 2026

 

Sundowning

March 24 2026


The word escapes me.


As if it had reason

to burrow down into the dark cortical depths

where listless neurons

with few connections left

haven’t been messaged in years.

Down a set of steep rickety stairs

to that dank cellar,

a sepulchral place

with a dirt floor and low ceiling,

festooned with spider webs

and pungent with mould.


Is this a game it’s playing?

Should I look away, distract myself,

feign uninterest

until it gets bored?


I catch a glimpse,

sense its first consonant.

But it flirts with me,

slipping into the shadows

then retreating a step

when I’m oh-so-close to seizing it.


The memory is there,

the problem is retrieval.

And what’s the use of memory

without recall?


Is this how dementia feels;

gripping the handrail unsteadily 

as I descend step-by-step

into a deepening murk

confused and lost?


The ancient coal furnace

from when I first learned to walk

is rattling angrily away

in a dark forbidding corner,

a black monstrosity

with a redly glowing maw

spewing acrid smoke.

Along with all the memories I forgot

spilling from boxes

and scattered about.


I bend down

and peer over the edge of the stairs,

still as frightened of that furnace

as the long ago child.

I can vaguely recall my dad 

hands covered in soot

swearing sideways at the thing;

a mild man

who watched his language

but had no knack for machinery.

Surely the word is somewhere down there,

teasing me

in a game of hide-and-seek

it once would have tired of.


But I’m no longer it,

andI scurry back into the light

overwhelmed.

Only to find

that a terrible darkness has shrouded the world

in some eternal night,

and I’m too bewildered and upset

to settle in my chair

or be put to bed.


I can’t come up with “periwinkle” and “orexin”, but a grainy snapshot of that ancient furnace and scary cellar comes easily to mind. Even though a temporary anomic aphasia is not a portent of dementia, the availability of old memories combined with the inaccessibility of recent ones is a hallmark of it. 

And when I do experience this frustrating murk, I get an intimation of how dementia must feel: a frightening sense of being lost, unmoored in a heavy darkness that feels like wading through water with nothing to hang on to and no way out. 

Alternatively, there’s the triumph of a word revealing itself, my ability to drag it up from the depths and into the light: that is, the reassuring relief that my brain still hasn’t lost it. At least not yet! Although more than dragging, distraction is indeed the key. Stop pushing, let your mind wander, and the word will suddenly appear. Not right away, but at least in the fullness of time.

Sundowning” is common in dementia:  an agitated state of confusion when the sun goes down. 


White Noise - March 24 2026

 

White Noise

March 24 2026


The pedestal fan purrs.

Its silky ribbons

dance downwind,

and the same stale air

flowing over me

has become a cool balm.


White noise lulls me to sleep.

A restful sleep

where I dream of flight,

and the cold thin air

at altitude

is nothing to me.

Where I look down, god-like

from a cloudless sky,

gliding as effortlessly

as those soaring birds

who stay aloft for days

at sea for months.


Air flows over me

with a deafening rush,

beating in my ears

like the thrumming of wind

at highway speed

driving with the window down.


But there is no sensation of speed;

the only clue I’m in motion

are the patchwork fields 

in browns and greens,

and the doll-house homes

getting incrementally bigger

the closer I get.


I survey the scene

with Olympian detachment,

because in dreamland

I have not only the power of flight

I am also immortal.


So when the fan stops

and the lulling monotone

turns to spiky silence

I remain calm,

watching earth approach

in the stillness of free-fall;

no sensation of speed,

no sound

except my own breathing. 


 Because in the respite of sleep

I am immune;

nothing to fear,

nothing to lose.


I almost always sleep with a fan. Prior to writing this, I read an article that raises some questions about the possible negative effects of fan noise (white noise, as well as “brown” and “pink” noise — yes, real classifications, ordered according to the predominance of lower frequencies) on both sleep and hearing. Nevertheless, I have absolutely no plans to change. My sleep with a fan is immeasurably better than without. 

An albatross may remain at sea for years; but even though they may not return to land in all that time, they do touch down on the water.  So instead of staying continuously aloft for months or even years — as I previously thought — it’s only for days at a time.