Outlier

Aug 25 2018

A solitary firefly

in the dog days of August

on a dark and windless night.

Slowly circling, as if uncertain of its place,

its cold light, quietly vanishing

then re-igniting further off

as I hypnotically watched

its random wanderings.

How odd, I thought,

to see a lone firefly

against this great starless sky;

a creature not meant for solitude,

but who should rather be a part

of a vast congregation

of silent dancing lights.

Yet there are always outliers in nature,

who inhabit the tail-end of seasons

or behave out of sync with their kind.

Because from this comes her resiliency,

the error, and difference

by which life persists.

Our diversity, and idiosyncrasies

are nature's treasury,

insurance

against the disruption and change

that are sure to come.

Still, this firefly seemed lonely

in its scattered looping flight

as I watched it blink

at its predetermined rate,

set to attract a mate

who will never appear.

The futility of the outlier,

who serves a purpose

larger than itself.

Yet so beautiful

in its solitude;

its hopeful light

sent out into the night

like some private semaphore,

that none will ever answer

or even understand.

I sent the rough draft of this poem to one of my “first readers”, who enjoyed it, commented on the title, and referred back to a previous poem about lightning bugs that we both quite like. I wrote her this in response.

“I guess no one got that this is one of the most personal and confessional poems I've written. And believe me, I'm far more guarded in my poetry than most writers, so confessional doesn't come easy or often.

Do you not see that the reason this solitary firefly struck me so instantly and powerfully was because  it's me who is the outlier? I often talk of myself as being in the "long tail", by which I mean the long tail of the normal distribution curve, many standard deviations from average. In particular, so far along that I'm shouldering up against Aspergers, even though I think on many levels I don't fully fit. Which -- not fully fitting, that is -- is both good and bad. Good, because it's nice not to be pathologized. (And also because Asperger himself was a Nazi collaborator ...but never mind about that!) And bad, because it's nice to have the validation as well as the sense of community that a label confers. It's also useful to have that word -- "Aspergers" -- as a convenient shorthand (even if it's not fully accurate) with which to represent yourself quickly and succinctly to others. 

There are "lightning bugs", and then there are "fireflies":  two expressions for the same thing.  The first one is more whimsical; the latter more haunting and evocative. That's why I chose it."