Saturday, November 16, 2024

Inner Child - Nov 11 2024

 

Inner Child

Nov 11 2024


Lately

my hair-trigger temper

has gotten the best of me.

Apparently, I haven’t mellowed with age.

Haven’t learned

to take things philosophically

instead of rising to the bait.

So old as I am

and getting older even faster

I’m still waiting to grow up,

find the equanimity

that befits a man

of my advanced years.


It’s as if I’ve regressed

to early childhood;

if not cognitive decline

then emotional incontinence.

To a time

when I couldn’t self-regulate,

muster the patience,

contain

the hot flush of anger

that erupts like lava

too fast to outrun.

The fire in the belly

that only leaves behind

burned bridges

and badly scorched earth.


It feels primal, this blinding fury

this visceral rush.

But I also wonder

if suppressing high emotion

just displaces it,

pushing it down

into the black soul-sapping depths,

festering

and building pressure

until it explodes;

a supernova

that consumes all the planets

it once attracted,

only to have found themselves

circling too close.


So to be even-tempered

but let the steam escape.

To age gracefully,

giving my hot takes

time to cool,

but indulging, now and then

in bursts of profanity,

muttered rants

through tightly clenched teeth,

a hard smack

on whatever table comes to hand.

Taking advantage of the license

an old man has

to misbehave.


In my middle age

I thought, unlike the toddler, I had mastered restraint.

Only to backslide, time and again

down the path of least resistance,

disappointing myself

pushing others away.

Mercifully, the older I get

the better I am able

to collect myself,

detach,

resist provocation;

less volatile

despite the odd tantrum

and fit of rage.


But I hope not so accepting

I can’t be surprised,

not so jaded

I’ve hardened myself

and become inured,

unable

to gaze out at the world

with a childlike wonder

through innocent eyes.


The other inner child

I can only hope

I’ll never quite outgrow.


Putting to Rest - Nov 10 2024

 

Putting to Rest

Nov 10 2024


When she said complicated grief

I wondered

is there any other kind?


A simple grief

that gets along nicely

without guilt, regret, or longing.

Without doubt, or second-guessing

or things left unresolved.

Without anger

resentment

and feelings long repressed,

and without the anguish and pain

as you struggle to accept.


Grief

that can be put to rest

easily enough.

That doesn’t erupt

unexpectedly

when you thought the grieving was done;

feelings

that were never expunged

from your subconscious depths.


Grief

that needn’t be shared

because it’s easy to bear alone.

That the passage of time

saps of its power.


So simple grief

you can easily leave

behind a closed closet door.

The “closure” they promise

in the fullness of time.


As if you ever simply normalize,

get over it,

move on.


Despite the date, this didn’t begin as a Remembrance Day poem. Although it might be read as one.

Actually, I was reading an article on MAID that talked about the essential role of ritual — a rite of passage — in providing a good ending in the fraught context of a planned death. Which is something new to the human experience (if you don’t count executions!). In it, she used the words “complicated grief”, and I immediately thought “is there any other kind?” Which is as good an opening line for a poem as any other. And so it became.


https://globe2go.pressreader.com/article/283205858788595


How Do I Know When It's Time? - Nov 7 2024

 

How Do I Know When It’s Time?

Nov 7 2024



How do I know when it’s time?


When, if she could speak

she’d agree

life is no longer worth living?


When, if she could understand death

would herself request it?


When even a dog’s life

  —  eating and sleeping,

and on our slow short walks

on swollen joints and wobbly legs

forensically sniffing

before sleeping again  —

seems full enough.


So I’m forced to guess.


To consider how wasted she is.


How frail, deaf, incontinent.


Her arthritic pain.

Which I can only infer;

because, like most of her kind

she’s a stoic dog

who hides weakness well

and forges doggedly on.


Not to mention the confusional spells,

when she circles erratically

with a faraway look in her eyes.

And the malignancy

slowly filling one ear;

like a parasite,

engorged with her blood

draining her of life.


Time comes for us all.

But hard to imagine

that when it does

we would welcome death,

invite it in,

give up without a fight.

Yet the person she’s always trusted

snowing her with drugs

that take the fight out of her?

    … Unable to resist

even if she would.


At least here,

in this clinical setting

on the examining bed

as the Vet leans in.

Because she trusts me

to do what’s best.

Because she knows nothing of death.

And because this day

was just like all the rest

that came before.


At least, until it ends

in a deep and dreamless sleep

in less than a minute from now.


Skookum is scheduled to be put to sleep tomorrow (Friday). (We say “put to sleep” instead of “killed”. The ultimate euphemism.) I’m really struggling with ambivalence.

Her good appetite is telling me she would choose to keep going. And how can I judge what’s a worthwhile life for a dog without the risk of anthropomorphizing: that is, seeing her quality of life as critically lacking? After all, isn’t a life of just eating and sleeping good enough for a dog?

But if I’m jumping the gun, how much longer? A few weeks? And do I wait for something bad to happen, wait until she’s suffering?

This is all the harder because she loves going to the Vet: happily wagging her tail, greeting everyone, sniffing all the interesting smells.

My coping mechanism is to write my way out. I think better in prose. But the distillation of poetry forces me to simplify, which can help clarify my thoughts.

(I’m adding this on the Friday Nov 8 (the next day, and the day it was scheduled). of. Cancelled the appointment. Didn’t go through with it. It became clear to me Thursday night that she wasn’t ready to go.

Having a good day like that, I naturally question myself. But again tonight, seeing her, I’m feeling reassured this is a good decision. Even if it is give or take a week or two. And what’s a few weeks when you live in the moment, as dogs do?)


Never Again - Nov 7 2024

 

Never Again

Nov 7 2024


When he said the end of history

I doubt he meant rewriting the past.


That is, the end of history

as we know it

   —  as if what we all took for granted

didn’t happen after all.


Or meant that history would end

by forgetting it entirely

  —  the memory hole

of Orwell’s imagining.


Rather, I think he envisioned the end

as a sunlit upland

of equality

prosperity

and enlightenment.

As a consensus

on how to govern ourselves

and what we value in life.

That at the end of history

we’d finally be done

with all the sturm und drang

and existential angst.


But the lessons of recent history

as well as the deeper past

leave me wondering

if we’ve actually progressed,

even if it’s just 2 steps ahead

while falling back 1.

So that the history

of civilized man

resembles a saw-edged graph

that keeps sloping ever upward

somewhat erratic, but progress of a sort.

The way a drunk staggers out

after last call

but eventually makes it home.


Or instead of a line

trending steadily upward

as an arrow aims higher,

does history move in cycles?

A closed circle,

repeating over and over

the mistakes we failed to learn.

Or perhaps a pendulum

tick-tocking back and forth;

reacting,

over-correcting,

then changing direction again.


Because while we flatter ourselves

that we’ve become wiser

better informed

and more moral than before,

we’re still the same human beings

our forbears were;

no less hypocritical

cynical

or ill-informed,

with the same basic instincts

intrinsic flaws.


And neither are we that far removed

from our primate progenitors,

with whom

as with the chimpanzees and apes

so much DNA is shared;

competing for status and mates,

defending turf,

deferring

to the chest-beating egoists.


So now, in a 21st century

that threatens to reprise the 20th

as if no lessons were learned,

it would seem the end of history

is one of both:

rewriting, as well as forgetting.

Of self-serving leaders

who selectively edit the past,

while young people

know little of this century

let alone the last;

of its wars, fascism, genocides

and strong-man rule.

That’s “genocides”, plural:

we may have vowed never again

but somehow still did.


Or will the end of history

be none of these?

Instead, might it end altogether,

in whatever man-made calamity

we sleepwalk into?

Perhaps a nuclear exchange

or climate change,

a pandemic

as deadly as the last

but managed even worse.

And all because

we never learned

and failed to take care.


Counting down the days

until no one remembers

because no one’s even left.


Another poem inspired by Trump. This time post-election.

The original title was "Francis Fukuyama", after the academic who became famous for coining the phrase the end of history. What I understand he meant was a consensus about steady progress toward  a more equal world of democracy, globalism, and the liberal international order. (Although if he also had in mind capitalism -- that is, our current consumerist growth dependent sort of capitalism -- then I would take issue. Consumerism and perpetual growth are unsustainable. A market economy -- if it's unregulated, unenlightened, and libertarian -- is unsustainable. And not just in the long run!) 

A man who is not only largely ignorant the past (as well as much else!) and twists what he does know, but is actually shameless enough to brazenly rewrite the present! His ability to lie and distort are pathological. Maybe even to the extent of fooling himself into truly believing. Although I see in Trump far more self-serving cynicism than delusion. Not to mention, as the poem says, the archetype of the chest-beating egoist.

And an electorate that either isn’t paying attention (people, after all, lead busy difficult lives, and have neither the time nor the energy to keep up with the news), or doesn’t known enough about the past to be scared (the failure of our schools to teach history and civics, let alone media literacy and critical thinking skills). Or worse, doesn’t care.

So while we are happily distracting ourselves, political discourse is coarsened, democracy under threat, the international order destabilized, and authoritarians everywhere encouraged. Out of ignorance, we risk letting ourselves slip back into the 1930s: a repeat of fascism, protectionist trade wars, and lost prosperity.

Which would be consistent with a cyclic view of history. Except that now, the existential threats of nuclear weapons and climate change loom. The end of history for real.

I find that this sort of poem is more suited to prose. So these are the hardest to get right. Saying not too much and not too little, while getting it to land just so on the tongue and ear. It can be a push/pull between prosody and content.


Seven Years - Nov 5 2024

 

Seven Years

Nov 5 2024


The fire-hose of news

breaking news

and trumpeted exclusives,

of interviews

shocking truths

and titillating rumours.

Of fiercely clashing views

argued loudly

in all-caps,

softened, at best

by some satirical cartoons

and a few amusing anecdotes

has me pinned to the wall.

Not to mention celebrity pics

click bait

checklists;

addictive videos,

where nimble dancers lip-sync

to catchy songs.


Streaming in, non-stop

and leaving me exhausted,

with trembling hands, racing mind

and bulging bloodshot eyes.


A breathless litany

of what happened,

      . . . what’s going on,

              . . . what’s next.

As if the future is knowable.

As if we ever call them out

on how often they were wrong.

Which is rarely,

because our memories are short,

the firehose keeps blasting,

and distractions never end.


But not what really matters

in all the noise.


How I long, instead

for a life of contemplation.

For cloistered silence

on a mountaintop

somewhere faraway.


Seven years

sounds about right.

A Biblical sum.

A sabbatical

from all the sturm und drang.

A number that feels balanced, centred

in and of itself.


So on my return to earth

will I want to hear

what happened in my absence?

Or will I be above it all;

still taking refuge

in the rarefied air

of my aerie of one?


Or is escape impossible;

are implicated

in the business of man

like it or not?

As John Donne famously said

no man is an island

entire of itself.


Because we depend

on the kindness of others.

Because belonging

is in our nature.

And because talking to oneself

seems crazy

when we've all so much to say.


A friend just sent me a Washington Post article about Kamala Harris' “possible path to victory”. It's late on Nov 5: US election day. So what possible utility does reading such a piece provide? What's the purpose of baselessly speculating about something that will be actual news in just a few hours?

This is a perfect example of how so much so-called reporting is really just idle chatter about what may or may not happen. Which is usually wrong, as well as pointless: why not simply wait until the outcome can actually be known?!! The media: a lot of noise that signifies nothing. Instead of news, we get unaccountable opinions about some unknowable future.

Even for me — a consumer in print of long form legacy media, rather than the internet, social media, or cable news — the volume seems overwhelming. Especially in the age of Trump, who so perversely fascinates as he repels. Even if you desperately want to, you can’t take your eyes off his utter improbability and ludicrousness as he continues to plumb new depths of depravity.


Looks Like Rain - Nov 3 2024

 

Looks Like Rain

Nov 3 2024


Looks like rain, she says.


I warily scan the sky

looking for tell-tale clouds,

darkly ominous

and moving fast.

Overcast, yes,

but can’t say for sure.


I’m standing

in the half-shadow

of indirect sun,

a liminal light

that makes it feel like the world

is holding its breath.

While in the distance

the light is cool, distilled,

making everything appear

precise as cut-glass.


I feel on the cusp

of things beyond my control,

and this atavistic rush

is rising up in me.

It comes from feeling small.

From witnessing forces

that are vast and capricious

I’m unable to resist.

From how the gut-deep sense

that something big is coming

brings the thrill of the unknown.


Trouble is, it always looks like rain,

a sunny day,

a sudden windstorm.


Because things change in a flash.


Because a butterfly flapping its wings

on some Melanesian atoll

half a world away,

can ripple through the atmosphere

in unpredictable ways

and trigger great events.


And because the sky is enigmatic

despite what she says;

no way to tell

what’s really coming,

how fast it’s moving,

how bad it will be.


I suppose you could place this poem with all the others I've written that pit nature vs man. Poems about human hubris, perfidy, transience. (Spoiler alert: nature wins!) In this case, the smug presumption we can predict the weather, read the sky. An over-worked trope, I know. But a poem has a mind of its own, and I’m just going along for the ride.

It’s also about chaos theory: that small changes can have disproportionate effects as they cascade, are amplified, and trigger positive feedback loops. The butterfly flapping its wings may be a tired cliché, but there is no better example of this non-linearity than weather.

We live in a time when both themes are particularly salient. Climate change — the only issue that really matters — is setting off positive feedback loops that may have already turned it into a runaway train: that is, irreversible, no matter how clever we think we are, or how pre-ordained we imagine our survival. (“Our” being either our civilization or our species; take your pick.) And the aftermath of Donald Trump returning to power (the 2024 US election is 2 days away; its resolution who knows how long) may set off — degree by irreversible degree — the dismantling of democracy in the country that’s its pre-eminent exemplar, while an apathetic, ignorant, or uninformed electorate (not to mention the complicit opportunists and true-believers, who should know better) are distracted by either cute cats on their screens, or the irresistible swamp of hot-button social media. Or both.

(Just stuff on my mind . . . and maybe why poems don’t have as much a mind of their own as I thought!)


Perambulation - Nov 2 2024

 

Perambulation

Nov 2 2024


I can’t remember when

I last just walked.


Not to or for.

Not the dogs.

And not the 10,000 steps

they recommend I do.


Not to take in the sun, air, view,

and not out;

although I also can’t recall

a movie bad enough.


Just remember

walking up the stairs,

around the yard,

from car to mall

and back.


But ever aimlessly, receptively, unhurriedly?

A flaneur

open to serendipity.

Perhaps lost

but unconcerned.

Or just to see how far

before the sun sets

my legs give out.


To mosey, amble, wander,

roam, ramble, saunter,

traipse, toddle, stroll.

Or promenade;

which makes it sound as delightful

as a light-hearted dance.


If the only worthwhile life

is lived with purpose,

does walking for its own sake serve?

The body

an automaton

one step at a time,

and the mind free to wander

watching the world pass by.


Seeding the Pot - Nov 1 2024

 

Seeding the Pot

Nov 1 2024



The street musician

who played mandolin

with frayed fingerless gloves,

sang hauntingly

in a smoke-and-whiskey voice,

must be used, by now

to passers-by ignoring him.

And if I’d been in a rush

I too wouldn’t have stopped.


An audience of one

on a busy corner

where people briskly walked

eyes on their phones.


The open instrument case

had mostly loose change.

The few bills, I suspect

were his,

prudently seeding the pot.

Like a farmer seeds the soil,

or seed money

for a startup

you’re counting on to grow,

long-shot or not.


The power of suggestion,

the spur of conformity.


It could be a young man

hoping generosity

will impress his date.

An older man

of undeserving privilege

impelled by guilt.

Or maybe the same guy

when he’s down on his luck

but in the mood to give;

because, after all

doesn’t misery love company,

doesn’t giving

even a little

pick you up?

Or really anyone

who lucked into a windfall

and wants to share.


Except it’s me.

Not some giddy lapse in judgement.

Not prodded by lust, guilt, or what-the-hell.

Not flush

with unexpected wealth.


Just what you do

when you’re standing there

and the man is playing his heart out.

And in an unfair world

where talent is ignored,

effort not rewarded,

and bad people flourish

while misfortune dogs the good —

you feel some folding money

for a promising musician

earning his way

might slightly even the score;

one small win

for the little guy.


Hard to hear

in all the cacophony.

But it was a good song

and he sung it well.